Back in Black

This has officially been the longest time I've spent away from this blog or any blog for that matter. My extended absence was mainly due to the fact that I spent 7 weeks travelling in Europe. To describe it in one word: awesome. If you ever have the means, I highly recommend it. It's so choice. I've been back in Ponoka now for about 2 and a half weeks now, and I'm finding these online journals and myspaces and facebooks completely unfulfilling. When it first started for me, the first thing I checked when I sat down at the computer were these things. Unfortunately, I still do that, but for only a fraction of time that I used to. Am I coming to the realization that I do not need these extravagently pointless incantaions, or are they not enough to fill my need of the virtual universe? I don't know. I work. I eat. I drink. I sleep. This is my life and so far it's been feeling like the longest day ever. I think maybe I brought something back from Europe. A sense of adventure, perhaps. Whatever it is, it has turned my semi-dull existence into a full-blown boring life. I guess I'll just have to create my own adventure here or something.

The End

It's really over. Too bad I didn't have a say in it. Oh well, I suppose. It's not like I'm going to get all mad about it. Tis life.

Still need a place to stay in Ireland though. I hope it's not too much to ask...

Anyways, cheers! I don't feel like typing anymore.

I Just Can't Believe It!

Gas is so expensive nowadays, and I don't even have a car!

What?

What did think I would say?

The Old Ways

So, it looks like the for the next little while I'm going to be mowing grass at the Wolf Creek Golf Resort. It may not be my calling in life, but at least I'm not sitting on my ass until I leave. And, for the first time in my long-running summer jobs, which have consisted of strictly construction jobs, I am no longer working with old, ugly, and dumb men. There is diversity (an old wooden ship used during the civil war era). We have the grumpy old men with some great old stories, we have to young guys who dick around most of the day, we have the hard worker who is constantly in fear of losing his job, we have the middle aged men making awkward chit chat, we have the jolly fat guy making a joke out of everything, and we even have the lone girl who's probably tougher than all of us and raises horses. I have never been more interested in horses in my life. (Note: also there is a cool Australian guy there says "alrighty" a lot)

Anyway, the work is fine, simple yet tiring at times. I get to go off and "do my thing" for most of the day, and the key to the job is that it's quality over quantity (yay, no more speedy work). Finding my way around has been tricky, but I'm learning the routes. I was even almost hit by a golf ball the other day, which probably isn't a good thing.

At home, our basement has been gutted. But now, we have the false floor in and the fireplace and new shower installed (yah, a fireplace). We have an RV in the backyard where my little sister's godmother can stay while she teaches in over the summer. Also her son Phil, fresh out of CLBI in Camrose is staying here as well, in the RV. He got a job for the summer working at Esso. Also, he is a fantastic guitar player who also helped me pick out my own all those year and a half ago.

A continuing flaw in my character is that I am so focused on my past that it affects any of my future decisions (a flaw in most of us). I'm always looking back at the events that led up to now and I wonder what would have happened had I acted differently. I tend to do this a lot, as I am my own worst critic. So, I keep seeing myself and what I did and how I acted and I judge myself. Over the last while I figured that I was a horrible person. I was unfair, selfish, and other self-loathing descriptions. Every time I was this person, I felt complete and utterly worthless. I would get so angry at myself for basically being an asshole. It's just not who I am.

I don't know, I'm just rambling. I can't wait to leave for a while, to settle my soul, to make myself right again. I used to always be happy. I've got to strive for that again.

Anger is a Double Shot without the Chaser

I hope I got my point across.

I mean, there are things in my life that just piss me right off. For example, my inability to accept things as they are, especially when they're not in my favor.

Another specific example is a recent conversation I had with a 'friend' of mine over Messenger. At first, she's all about horrible a person she is. So, I point out her mistakes, her character flaws. She already knows this and acknowledges them. So I tell her to do something about it, but no, she doesn't, she hasn't before, and chances are she won't in the future. So, being a friend, I thought I'd try to cheer her up with some nice words. She won't have it. She says she wants to be held accountable, she doesn't want any sympathy, which she somehow interprets as pity. And then she's gone. No laters or cyas or byes. My God, is this all my fault? Am I to blame? If this happened, say, a month ago, I would feel very guilty. Not today, though. You see, she contradicts herself: first, she feels she's a horrible person, yet she doesn't want any sympathy; second, she wants to be held accountable, yet she's already holding herself accountable. The funny thing was that I was truly feeling sympathetic, since I've been there myself for far too long, but now it is pity. She sees herself as a horrible person and now she's beginning to convince others that she's a horrible person. All I have to say is that I really was trying to be a friend, but if she doesn't want that, then I won't give it to her. Pfft, you dont want to drag me down with you, yet you've let me go down by myself before.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm actually feeling great. It's been a while, I know, but I do feel good enough about myself to enjoy the day. Sure, I have nothing to do at the current moment as I am job hunting, but I'm excited for my European vacation for 6 weeks, and afterwards when I can just work for a bit and not be stressed about school and life in general. Tis the life...

Another Question!

How is it that a person can keep making the same mistake over and over again?

What kind of person is that, and are they worth forgiving if you know they'll do it again?

Damn.

Question!

I have found myself asking the same question over and over again.

Why...why, why, why, why, why?

Who knew the answer would be so simple.

On Living in a Fantasy World Redux

I could say all the crap that is going on, but I won't. I've just stopped caring. Have a fun life.

Cheers!

Ch-ch-changes

It's amazing what a few days at home can do to a person. Excuse the hippie reference, but there's so much positive energy here that all the negative waves just sort of went away, man. Unfortunately, all the negativeness didn't go far. It's still close by. And it always seems that whenever I'm in a good mood, I always seem to bring myself down.

So what will it take to keep my high spirits floating? Stay away from the things that get me down. Stay close to things that'll keep them up. Hmmm...

Anyway, I'm wide awake at a time where I'm usually dead. I haven't been this way since summer, when I had to get up early for work. I ought to get up early more often, or not.

Only so many days left until it's over. Here's to counting down the days.

Cheers!

Ah, that feels so much better. Thanks elastic band!

Disclaimer: Read at Own Risk

Once again, drunkenness takes over common sense. Except, this has happened too many times, so I guess that throws common sense out the window. I woke up this morning with more than a dry mouth and a quesy stomach. I woke up with that hole in my chest when you've brought the whole world down on you. It's not a nice feeling when everything I've done has just made everything worse. I don't how I did it, but I did it. I keep losing and losing over and over again. So where does that leave me? Worthless. A waste of time. I mean, what sort of person always makes the same mistakes? So, am I living in my own fantasy world? No, I know the truth. My question is what will it take to let go of the lies? I don't think lies is a good word for it. False hope. It clings to me effortlessly and I've been trying to shake it off. That's more than I can say about some people who'd rather have that false hope than face reality. But, I know both. I want this false hope gone, now. It's been far too long.

I know how bad our discussions get when we talk about my feelings. Nowadays, they're less about pursuing this idealistic dream and more about how to stop pursuing. I thought it would be a little bit easier. I guess that does make me an idealist. If I were a realist, my actions would probably be beyond the point of reconciliation, and that I cannot live with. When I look at what's happened from a realist's point of view, all I see is a string of disappointments. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm trying to manipulate you. I'm not, it's just nice to let stuff out in that incredible drunken bliss. And I don't know what your definition of dealing with it is, but so far it seems that you deal with it by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. This sort of thing won't just go away on its own.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's all of this bottled up crap I just want to let loose, but we can't keep running around in circles, going nowhere. We can either do something to fix it, or we do nothing. I'm not sure if this is just a bunch of babble or not now. I don't know if this makes things better or worse, but it sure lightens the load.

What's Worse

The fact that you might lose me, or the fact that you won't do anything about it.

The Ultimate Gong Show

Adam, here's how I get out of my funk. Best told in pictures. For more info, I'll tell you next time I see you.

I like-a one on right, one on left not so much. High Five!

They-a girlfriend. Is Nice!

They make-a sexytime! Wowee Wowee!

"Her vageen hang like sleeve of wizard"

P.S. I hope this "proof" is good enough for your judgemental attitude. Besides, this is Camrose, not Calgary. As in, it don't happen much. But that doesn't matter since I am now out of "in a funk". Is nice!

Sacrifice

Sacrifice: giving up your own wants and desires for someone else's happiness.

Dammit. Can't I go at least a few hours without going back into this funk?? Fuck. One day, Adam, one day...

What if the Beatles Were Irish?

by Roy Zimmerman, aka, genuis.

P.S. How's this for getting out of my funk, ADAM, you fucker??

Control

If you love something, you will set it free.

Indeed.

Well, this has been a surreal week. My mind has sort of been in a constant purgutory state since the death of my cousin. I'm in Limbo. I'm not working or sleeping well. My eating habits have become random at best. Ok, that was a few days ago, I'm better now. I'm even making tacos tonight! Yum. I'm still feeling slightly disorientated from the experience. I don't want to dive into the situation about my cousin, since it was a pretty brutal affair to begin with. Every family has their own black sheep I guess. I'm not sure if that's the reason why I didn't go to his funeral yesterday though.

Because of this, I came back to Camrose and it was like walking into a new town. All of my roommates were sick, and nobody seemed to be around anywhere. Everything was just...off. Then I was ignored more than once. It was one of those times when you can imagine what's going through a person's head and they're thinking, "Oh, it's only Ben."

Now, I'm tired. I'm lying on the ground defeated. I'm just waiting for that final blow to finish me. Yeesh, that was overly dramatic. Whatever, I like it.

Cheers!

Death Becomes Us

Once introduced, I find that I am particularly stoic to death. Yet, when it comes to the little things, I become very distraught and I tend to blow things out of proportion. Why is that?

Maybe it's an emotional imbalance, my internal drama-o-meter is flipped around. Or maybe it's the little things that I can handle; that the bigger things are too much for me that I just cannot connect to them. What does that say about me then? I'll fret over missing a movie because I broke my legs in some non-descript accident?

Maybe my subconscious simply doesn't allow me to become emotionally attached because if I'm such a basket case when a girl rejects me, how I am I supposed to handle something as monumental as death?

Cheerio

Oh Lord, get me out of this slum. I need some serious picker-upper-ige.

I know, I'll watch Casino Royale.

*2 hours later*

Damn, I feel better!

Cheers!

Why did the blonde drink a glass of water?

So that the cement would go down easier.

HAHA

The Day I Used To Be Happy

The day begins. I'm happy. I'm ready for the day.

The day ends. I'm miserable. I'm ready to kill someone.

What the hell happened in between?