Anger is a Double Shot without the Chaser

I hope I got my point across.

I mean, there are things in my life that just piss me right off. For example, my inability to accept things as they are, especially when they're not in my favor.

Another specific example is a recent conversation I had with a 'friend' of mine over Messenger. At first, she's all about horrible a person she is. So, I point out her mistakes, her character flaws. She already knows this and acknowledges them. So I tell her to do something about it, but no, she doesn't, she hasn't before, and chances are she won't in the future. So, being a friend, I thought I'd try to cheer her up with some nice words. She won't have it. She says she wants to be held accountable, she doesn't want any sympathy, which she somehow interprets as pity. And then she's gone. No laters or cyas or byes. My God, is this all my fault? Am I to blame? If this happened, say, a month ago, I would feel very guilty. Not today, though. You see, she contradicts herself: first, she feels she's a horrible person, yet she doesn't want any sympathy; second, she wants to be held accountable, yet she's already holding herself accountable. The funny thing was that I was truly feeling sympathetic, since I've been there myself for far too long, but now it is pity. She sees herself as a horrible person and now she's beginning to convince others that she's a horrible person. All I have to say is that I really was trying to be a friend, but if she doesn't want that, then I won't give it to her. Pfft, you dont want to drag me down with you, yet you've let me go down by myself before.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm actually feeling great. It's been a while, I know, but I do feel good enough about myself to enjoy the day. Sure, I have nothing to do at the current moment as I am job hunting, but I'm excited for my European vacation for 6 weeks, and afterwards when I can just work for a bit and not be stressed about school and life in general. Tis the life...

Another Question!

How is it that a person can keep making the same mistake over and over again?

What kind of person is that, and are they worth forgiving if you know they'll do it again?

Damn.

Question!

I have found myself asking the same question over and over again.

Why...why, why, why, why, why?

Who knew the answer would be so simple.

On Living in a Fantasy World Redux

I could say all the crap that is going on, but I won't. I've just stopped caring. Have a fun life.

Cheers!

Ch-ch-changes

It's amazing what a few days at home can do to a person. Excuse the hippie reference, but there's so much positive energy here that all the negative waves just sort of went away, man. Unfortunately, all the negativeness didn't go far. It's still close by. And it always seems that whenever I'm in a good mood, I always seem to bring myself down.

So what will it take to keep my high spirits floating? Stay away from the things that get me down. Stay close to things that'll keep them up. Hmmm...

Anyway, I'm wide awake at a time where I'm usually dead. I haven't been this way since summer, when I had to get up early for work. I ought to get up early more often, or not.

Only so many days left until it's over. Here's to counting down the days.

Cheers!

Ah, that feels so much better. Thanks elastic band!

Disclaimer: Read at Own Risk

Once again, drunkenness takes over common sense. Except, this has happened too many times, so I guess that throws common sense out the window. I woke up this morning with more than a dry mouth and a quesy stomach. I woke up with that hole in my chest when you've brought the whole world down on you. It's not a nice feeling when everything I've done has just made everything worse. I don't how I did it, but I did it. I keep losing and losing over and over again. So where does that leave me? Worthless. A waste of time. I mean, what sort of person always makes the same mistakes? So, am I living in my own fantasy world? No, I know the truth. My question is what will it take to let go of the lies? I don't think lies is a good word for it. False hope. It clings to me effortlessly and I've been trying to shake it off. That's more than I can say about some people who'd rather have that false hope than face reality. But, I know both. I want this false hope gone, now. It's been far too long.

I know how bad our discussions get when we talk about my feelings. Nowadays, they're less about pursuing this idealistic dream and more about how to stop pursuing. I thought it would be a little bit easier. I guess that does make me an idealist. If I were a realist, my actions would probably be beyond the point of reconciliation, and that I cannot live with. When I look at what's happened from a realist's point of view, all I see is a string of disappointments. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm trying to manipulate you. I'm not, it's just nice to let stuff out in that incredible drunken bliss. And I don't know what your definition of dealing with it is, but so far it seems that you deal with it by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. This sort of thing won't just go away on its own.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's all of this bottled up crap I just want to let loose, but we can't keep running around in circles, going nowhere. We can either do something to fix it, or we do nothing. I'm not sure if this is just a bunch of babble or not now. I don't know if this makes things better or worse, but it sure lightens the load.

What's Worse

The fact that you might lose me, or the fact that you won't do anything about it.