Disclaimer: Read at Own Risk

Once again, drunkenness takes over common sense. Except, this has happened too many times, so I guess that throws common sense out the window. I woke up this morning with more than a dry mouth and a quesy stomach. I woke up with that hole in my chest when you've brought the whole world down on you. It's not a nice feeling when everything I've done has just made everything worse. I don't how I did it, but I did it. I keep losing and losing over and over again. So where does that leave me? Worthless. A waste of time. I mean, what sort of person always makes the same mistakes? So, am I living in my own fantasy world? No, I know the truth. My question is what will it take to let go of the lies? I don't think lies is a good word for it. False hope. It clings to me effortlessly and I've been trying to shake it off. That's more than I can say about some people who'd rather have that false hope than face reality. But, I know both. I want this false hope gone, now. It's been far too long.

I know how bad our discussions get when we talk about my feelings. Nowadays, they're less about pursuing this idealistic dream and more about how to stop pursuing. I thought it would be a little bit easier. I guess that does make me an idealist. If I were a realist, my actions would probably be beyond the point of reconciliation, and that I cannot live with. When I look at what's happened from a realist's point of view, all I see is a string of disappointments. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm trying to manipulate you. I'm not, it's just nice to let stuff out in that incredible drunken bliss. And I don't know what your definition of dealing with it is, but so far it seems that you deal with it by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. This sort of thing won't just go away on its own.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's all of this bottled up crap I just want to let loose, but we can't keep running around in circles, going nowhere. We can either do something to fix it, or we do nothing. I'm not sure if this is just a bunch of babble or not now. I don't know if this makes things better or worse, but it sure lightens the load.