12.8.07
Back in Black
This has officially been the longest time I've spent away from this blog or any blog for that matter. My extended absence was mainly due to the fact that I spent 7 weeks travelling in Europe. To describe it in one word: awesome. If you ever have the means, I highly recommend it. It's so choice. I've been back in Ponoka now for about 2 and a half weeks now, and I'm finding these online journals and myspaces and facebooks completely unfulfilling. When it first started for me, the first thing I checked when I sat down at the computer were these things. Unfortunately, I still do that, but for only a fraction of time that I used to. Am I coming to the realization that I do not need these extravagently pointless incantaions, or are they not enough to fill my need of the virtual universe? I don't know. I work. I eat. I drink. I sleep. This is my life and so far it's been feeling like the longest day ever. I think maybe I brought something back from Europe. A sense of adventure, perhaps. Whatever it is, it has turned my semi-dull existence into a full-blown boring life. I guess I'll just have to create my own adventure here or something.
22.5.07
The End
It's really over. Too bad I didn't have a say in it. Oh well, I suppose. It's not like I'm going to get all mad about it. Tis life.
Still need a place to stay in Ireland though. I hope it's not too much to ask...
Anyways, cheers! I don't feel like typing anymore.
Still need a place to stay in Ireland though. I hope it's not too much to ask...
Anyways, cheers! I don't feel like typing anymore.
14.5.07
I Just Can't Believe It!
Gas is so expensive nowadays, and I don't even have a car!
What?
What did think I would say?
What?
What did think I would say?
10.5.07
The Old Ways
So, it looks like the for the next little while I'm going to be mowing grass at the Wolf Creek Golf Resort. It may not be my calling in life, but at least I'm not sitting on my ass until I leave. And, for the first time in my long-running summer jobs, which have consisted of strictly construction jobs, I am no longer working with old, ugly, and dumb men. There is diversity (an old wooden ship used during the civil war era). We have the grumpy old men with some great old stories, we have to young guys who dick around most of the day, we have the hard worker who is constantly in fear of losing his job, we have the middle aged men making awkward chit chat, we have the jolly fat guy making a joke out of everything, and we even have the lone girl who's probably tougher than all of us and raises horses. I have never been more interested in horses in my life. (Note: also there is a cool Australian guy there says "alrighty" a lot)
Anyway, the work is fine, simple yet tiring at times. I get to go off and "do my thing" for most of the day, and the key to the job is that it's quality over quantity (yay, no more speedy work). Finding my way around has been tricky, but I'm learning the routes. I was even almost hit by a golf ball the other day, which probably isn't a good thing.
At home, our basement has been gutted. But now, we have the false floor in and the fireplace and new shower installed (yah, a fireplace). We have an RV in the backyard where my little sister's godmother can stay while she teaches in over the summer. Also her son Phil, fresh out of CLBI in Camrose is staying here as well, in the RV. He got a job for the summer working at Esso. Also, he is a fantastic guitar player who also helped me pick out my own all those year and a half ago.
A continuing flaw in my character is that I am so focused on my past that it affects any of my future decisions (a flaw in most of us). I'm always looking back at the events that led up to now and I wonder what would have happened had I acted differently. I tend to do this a lot, as I am my own worst critic. So, I keep seeing myself and what I did and how I acted and I judge myself. Over the last while I figured that I was a horrible person. I was unfair, selfish, and other self-loathing descriptions. Every time I was this person, I felt complete and utterly worthless. I would get so angry at myself for basically being an asshole. It's just not who I am.
I don't know, I'm just rambling. I can't wait to leave for a while, to settle my soul, to make myself right again. I used to always be happy. I've got to strive for that again.
Anyway, the work is fine, simple yet tiring at times. I get to go off and "do my thing" for most of the day, and the key to the job is that it's quality over quantity (yay, no more speedy work). Finding my way around has been tricky, but I'm learning the routes. I was even almost hit by a golf ball the other day, which probably isn't a good thing.
At home, our basement has been gutted. But now, we have the false floor in and the fireplace and new shower installed (yah, a fireplace). We have an RV in the backyard where my little sister's godmother can stay while she teaches in over the summer. Also her son Phil, fresh out of CLBI in Camrose is staying here as well, in the RV. He got a job for the summer working at Esso. Also, he is a fantastic guitar player who also helped me pick out my own all those year and a half ago.
A continuing flaw in my character is that I am so focused on my past that it affects any of my future decisions (a flaw in most of us). I'm always looking back at the events that led up to now and I wonder what would have happened had I acted differently. I tend to do this a lot, as I am my own worst critic. So, I keep seeing myself and what I did and how I acted and I judge myself. Over the last while I figured that I was a horrible person. I was unfair, selfish, and other self-loathing descriptions. Every time I was this person, I felt complete and utterly worthless. I would get so angry at myself for basically being an asshole. It's just not who I am.
I don't know, I'm just rambling. I can't wait to leave for a while, to settle my soul, to make myself right again. I used to always be happy. I've got to strive for that again.
30.4.07
Anger is a Double Shot without the Chaser
I hope I got my point across.
I mean, there are things in my life that just piss me right off. For example, my inability to accept things as they are, especially when they're not in my favor.
Another specific example is a recent conversation I had with a 'friend' of mine over Messenger. At first, she's all about horrible a person she is. So, I point out her mistakes, her character flaws. She already knows this and acknowledges them. So I tell her to do something about it, but no, she doesn't, she hasn't before, and chances are she won't in the future. So, being a friend, I thought I'd try to cheer her up with some nice words. She won't have it. She says she wants to be held accountable, she doesn't want any sympathy, which she somehow interprets as pity. And then she's gone. No laters or cyas or byes. My God, is this all my fault? Am I to blame? If this happened, say, a month ago, I would feel very guilty. Not today, though. You see, she contradicts herself: first, she feels she's a horrible person, yet she doesn't want any sympathy; second, she wants to be held accountable, yet she's already holding herself accountable. The funny thing was that I was truly feeling sympathetic, since I've been there myself for far too long, but now it is pity. She sees herself as a horrible person and now she's beginning to convince others that she's a horrible person. All I have to say is that I really was trying to be a friend, but if she doesn't want that, then I won't give it to her. Pfft, you dont want to drag me down with you, yet you've let me go down by myself before.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm actually feeling great. It's been a while, I know, but I do feel good enough about myself to enjoy the day. Sure, I have nothing to do at the current moment as I am job hunting, but I'm excited for my European vacation for 6 weeks, and afterwards when I can just work for a bit and not be stressed about school and life in general. Tis the life...
I mean, there are things in my life that just piss me right off. For example, my inability to accept things as they are, especially when they're not in my favor.
Another specific example is a recent conversation I had with a 'friend' of mine over Messenger. At first, she's all about horrible a person she is. So, I point out her mistakes, her character flaws. She already knows this and acknowledges them. So I tell her to do something about it, but no, she doesn't, she hasn't before, and chances are she won't in the future. So, being a friend, I thought I'd try to cheer her up with some nice words. She won't have it. She says she wants to be held accountable, she doesn't want any sympathy, which she somehow interprets as pity. And then she's gone. No laters or cyas or byes. My God, is this all my fault? Am I to blame? If this happened, say, a month ago, I would feel very guilty. Not today, though. You see, she contradicts herself: first, she feels she's a horrible person, yet she doesn't want any sympathy; second, she wants to be held accountable, yet she's already holding herself accountable. The funny thing was that I was truly feeling sympathetic, since I've been there myself for far too long, but now it is pity. She sees herself as a horrible person and now she's beginning to convince others that she's a horrible person. All I have to say is that I really was trying to be a friend, but if she doesn't want that, then I won't give it to her. Pfft, you dont want to drag me down with you, yet you've let me go down by myself before.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm actually feeling great. It's been a while, I know, but I do feel good enough about myself to enjoy the day. Sure, I have nothing to do at the current moment as I am job hunting, but I'm excited for my European vacation for 6 weeks, and afterwards when I can just work for a bit and not be stressed about school and life in general. Tis the life...
26.4.07
Another Question!
How is it that a person can keep making the same mistake over and over again?
What kind of person is that, and are they worth forgiving if you know they'll do it again?
Damn.
What kind of person is that, and are they worth forgiving if you know they'll do it again?
Damn.
25.4.07
Question!
I have found myself asking the same question over and over again.
Why...why, why, why, why, why?
Who knew the answer would be so simple.
Why...why, why, why, why, why?
Who knew the answer would be so simple.
21.4.07
On Living in a Fantasy World Redux
I could say all the crap that is going on, but I won't. I've just stopped caring. Have a fun life.
Cheers!
Cheers!
9.4.07
Ch-ch-changes
It's amazing what a few days at home can do to a person. Excuse the hippie reference, but there's so much positive energy here that all the negative waves just sort of went away, man. Unfortunately, all the negativeness didn't go far. It's still close by. And it always seems that whenever I'm in a good mood, I always seem to bring myself down.
So what will it take to keep my high spirits floating? Stay away from the things that get me down. Stay close to things that'll keep them up. Hmmm...
Anyway, I'm wide awake at a time where I'm usually dead. I haven't been this way since summer, when I had to get up early for work. I ought to get up early more often, or not.
Only so many days left until it's over. Here's to counting down the days.
Cheers!
So what will it take to keep my high spirits floating? Stay away from the things that get me down. Stay close to things that'll keep them up. Hmmm...
Anyway, I'm wide awake at a time where I'm usually dead. I haven't been this way since summer, when I had to get up early for work. I ought to get up early more often, or not.
Only so many days left until it's over. Here's to counting down the days.
Cheers!
8.4.07
5.4.07
Disclaimer: Read at Own Risk
Once again, drunkenness takes over common sense. Except, this has happened too many times, so I guess that throws common sense out the window. I woke up this morning with more than a dry mouth and a quesy stomach. I woke up with that hole in my chest when you've brought the whole world down on you. It's not a nice feeling when everything I've done has just made everything worse. I don't how I did it, but I did it. I keep losing and losing over and over again. So where does that leave me? Worthless. A waste of time. I mean, what sort of person always makes the same mistakes? So, am I living in my own fantasy world? No, I know the truth. My question is what will it take to let go of the lies? I don't think lies is a good word for it. False hope. It clings to me effortlessly and I've been trying to shake it off. That's more than I can say about some people who'd rather have that false hope than face reality. But, I know both. I want this false hope gone, now. It's been far too long.
I know how bad our discussions get when we talk about my feelings. Nowadays, they're less about pursuing this idealistic dream and more about how to stop pursuing. I thought it would be a little bit easier. I guess that does make me an idealist. If I were a realist, my actions would probably be beyond the point of reconciliation, and that I cannot live with. When I look at what's happened from a realist's point of view, all I see is a string of disappointments. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm trying to manipulate you. I'm not, it's just nice to let stuff out in that incredible drunken bliss. And I don't know what your definition of dealing with it is, but so far it seems that you deal with it by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. This sort of thing won't just go away on its own.
Okay, okay. Maybe it's all of this bottled up crap I just want to let loose, but we can't keep running around in circles, going nowhere. We can either do something to fix it, or we do nothing. I'm not sure if this is just a bunch of babble or not now. I don't know if this makes things better or worse, but it sure lightens the load.
I know how bad our discussions get when we talk about my feelings. Nowadays, they're less about pursuing this idealistic dream and more about how to stop pursuing. I thought it would be a little bit easier. I guess that does make me an idealist. If I were a realist, my actions would probably be beyond the point of reconciliation, and that I cannot live with. When I look at what's happened from a realist's point of view, all I see is a string of disappointments. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm trying to manipulate you. I'm not, it's just nice to let stuff out in that incredible drunken bliss. And I don't know what your definition of dealing with it is, but so far it seems that you deal with it by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. This sort of thing won't just go away on its own.
Okay, okay. Maybe it's all of this bottled up crap I just want to let loose, but we can't keep running around in circles, going nowhere. We can either do something to fix it, or we do nothing. I'm not sure if this is just a bunch of babble or not now. I don't know if this makes things better or worse, but it sure lightens the load.
4.4.07
30.3.07
The Ultimate Gong Show
Adam, here's how I get out of my funk. Best told in pictures. For more info, I'll tell you next time I see you.
I like-a one on right, one on left not so much. High Five!
They-a girlfriend. Is Nice!
They make-a sexytime! Wowee Wowee!
"Her vageen hang like sleeve of wizard"
P.S. I hope this "proof" is good enough for your judgemental attitude. Besides, this is Camrose, not Calgary. As in, it don't happen much. But that doesn't matter since I am now out of "in a funk". Is nice!
28.3.07
Sacrifice
Sacrifice: giving up your own wants and desires for someone else's happiness.
Dammit. Can't I go at least a few hours without going back into this funk?? Fuck. One day, Adam, one day...
Dammit. Can't I go at least a few hours without going back into this funk?? Fuck. One day, Adam, one day...
What if the Beatles Were Irish?
by Roy Zimmerman, aka, genuis.
P.S. How's this for getting out of my funk, ADAM, you fucker??
24.3.07
Control
If you love something, you will set it free.
Indeed.
Well, this has been a surreal week. My mind has sort of been in a constant purgutory state since the death of my cousin. I'm in Limbo. I'm not working or sleeping well. My eating habits have become random at best. Ok, that was a few days ago, I'm better now. I'm even making tacos tonight! Yum. I'm still feeling slightly disorientated from the experience. I don't want to dive into the situation about my cousin, since it was a pretty brutal affair to begin with. Every family has their own black sheep I guess. I'm not sure if that's the reason why I didn't go to his funeral yesterday though.
Because of this, I came back to Camrose and it was like walking into a new town. All of my roommates were sick, and nobody seemed to be around anywhere. Everything was just...off. Then I was ignored more than once. It was one of those times when you can imagine what's going through a person's head and they're thinking, "Oh, it's only Ben."
Now, I'm tired. I'm lying on the ground defeated. I'm just waiting for that final blow to finish me. Yeesh, that was overly dramatic. Whatever, I like it.
Cheers!
Indeed.
Well, this has been a surreal week. My mind has sort of been in a constant purgutory state since the death of my cousin. I'm in Limbo. I'm not working or sleeping well. My eating habits have become random at best. Ok, that was a few days ago, I'm better now. I'm even making tacos tonight! Yum. I'm still feeling slightly disorientated from the experience. I don't want to dive into the situation about my cousin, since it was a pretty brutal affair to begin with. Every family has their own black sheep I guess. I'm not sure if that's the reason why I didn't go to his funeral yesterday though.
Because of this, I came back to Camrose and it was like walking into a new town. All of my roommates were sick, and nobody seemed to be around anywhere. Everything was just...off. Then I was ignored more than once. It was one of those times when you can imagine what's going through a person's head and they're thinking, "Oh, it's only Ben."
Now, I'm tired. I'm lying on the ground defeated. I'm just waiting for that final blow to finish me. Yeesh, that was overly dramatic. Whatever, I like it.
Cheers!
17.3.07
Death Becomes Us
Once introduced, I find that I am particularly stoic to death. Yet, when it comes to the little things, I become very distraught and I tend to blow things out of proportion. Why is that?
Maybe it's an emotional imbalance, my internal drama-o-meter is flipped around. Or maybe it's the little things that I can handle; that the bigger things are too much for me that I just cannot connect to them. What does that say about me then? I'll fret over missing a movie because I broke my legs in some non-descript accident?
Maybe my subconscious simply doesn't allow me to become emotionally attached because if I'm such a basket case when a girl rejects me, how I am I supposed to handle something as monumental as death?
Maybe it's an emotional imbalance, my internal drama-o-meter is flipped around. Or maybe it's the little things that I can handle; that the bigger things are too much for me that I just cannot connect to them. What does that say about me then? I'll fret over missing a movie because I broke my legs in some non-descript accident?
Maybe my subconscious simply doesn't allow me to become emotionally attached because if I'm such a basket case when a girl rejects me, how I am I supposed to handle something as monumental as death?
15.3.07
Cheerio
Oh Lord, get me out of this slum. I need some serious picker-upper-ige.
I know, I'll watch Casino Royale.
*2 hours later*
Damn, I feel better!
Cheers!
I know, I'll watch Casino Royale.
*2 hours later*
Damn, I feel better!
Cheers!
13.3.07
11.3.07
The Day I Used To Be Happy
The day begins. I'm happy. I'm ready for the day.
The day ends. I'm miserable. I'm ready to kill someone.
What the hell happened in between?
The day ends. I'm miserable. I'm ready to kill someone.
What the hell happened in between?
10.3.07
4.3.07
Fate Kicking Sand in My Eyes
I cleaned house. I was at the point of complete disarray that I had to force myself to stop and look at the cluster I left in my path. My room was a mess: papers thrown across the floor, wrappers tossed somewhere in the vicinity of my full trash, clothes lay scattered to the point that I couldn't remember if they're dirty or not. So, I picked up the junk, emptied the trash, put the clothes and bed sheets in the wash, and vacuumed the floor. I'm so proud of myself.
I've been feeling this a lot lately, that I have to choose between two evils and pick the lesser one. There's no right answer, only a series of wrong ones. There is a serious lack of positive vibes in my life. Maybe that's why I love going home to the folks; they have plenty.
There's that certain aspect in my life where I just cannot win. I've tried various tactics to prevail and overcome it, but they end in disaster. You know how you see something go down in you r head, but becomes completely different when it actually happens? Well, that's reality for you, and I've been getting my fair share of it.
Stupid people and they're stupid limitless energy. Here they are bouncing off the walls while I'm struggling to open the door to get away. Am I cynical or experienced? It can be very frustrating not have any energy, and it is very angering when I see someone who has it in leaps and bounds. I have a theory that mine was stolen from me in second year, along with my CD jacket.
I wish there was a lighter note, but nothing exciting has happened lately. I've been bored-stricken for a week now, and it's difficult to fathom spending my whole life having days, weeks, months, or years living a dull, repetitive existence. I just will not stand for it. I want excitement. I want adventure. I want the satisfaction of living my life to the fullest, and when I'm done, I want to die satisfied and content.
Is that too much too ask?
Cheers!
I've been feeling this a lot lately, that I have to choose between two evils and pick the lesser one. There's no right answer, only a series of wrong ones. There is a serious lack of positive vibes in my life. Maybe that's why I love going home to the folks; they have plenty.
There's that certain aspect in my life where I just cannot win. I've tried various tactics to prevail and overcome it, but they end in disaster. You know how you see something go down in you r head, but becomes completely different when it actually happens? Well, that's reality for you, and I've been getting my fair share of it.
Stupid people and they're stupid limitless energy. Here they are bouncing off the walls while I'm struggling to open the door to get away. Am I cynical or experienced? It can be very frustrating not have any energy, and it is very angering when I see someone who has it in leaps and bounds. I have a theory that mine was stolen from me in second year, along with my CD jacket.
I wish there was a lighter note, but nothing exciting has happened lately. I've been bored-stricken for a week now, and it's difficult to fathom spending my whole life having days, weeks, months, or years living a dull, repetitive existence. I just will not stand for it. I want excitement. I want adventure. I want the satisfaction of living my life to the fullest, and when I'm done, I want to die satisfied and content.
Is that too much too ask?
Cheers!
3.3.07
2.3.07
That Ever Defining Moment
I am Jack's late night epiphany.
There are only so many days left until Graduation. Personally, I can't wait til it's over. But this is old news. What's semi-new news is that I'm planning a month-long Eurotrip in June. Exciting no? It's like getting on a rollercoaster, I'm both nervous and excited at the same time, which is typical since I can't decide on anything.
After this, teaching overseas is my next project. I'm just going to go away. Boy, won't that be nice. I think I'm at the point where I'm just exhausted to care about how much life sucks here. Sometimes it hard to grasp the whole idea of having a fulfilling life when all it's about is overcoming an endless supply of obstacles until you die. And don't say that that's fulfilling in itself. Sure, you feel the sense of accomplishment of success, but you just have to get ready for the next obstacle. Life becomes a conflict in itself as we are always fighting the elements in our daily lives. Kind of a rip-off, don't you think? All we get are those moments where we are at peace, and they never last very long. Hell, if I only had one wish, I'd wish to be content for the rest of my life, not rich or famous or having the ability to fly(although this would come close).
Maybe it's because I'm always lacking in energy that I have such a cynical outlook on life. Maybe I haven't been able to find that little bit of happiness everyone else seems to have already. Maybe I'm a closet EMO. Ok, maybe not that. Is everyone just ignorant, or am I the one ignoring.
...Or maybe I just need sleep...yeah...
Cheers
There are only so many days left until Graduation. Personally, I can't wait til it's over. But this is old news. What's semi-new news is that I'm planning a month-long Eurotrip in June. Exciting no? It's like getting on a rollercoaster, I'm both nervous and excited at the same time, which is typical since I can't decide on anything.
After this, teaching overseas is my next project. I'm just going to go away. Boy, won't that be nice. I think I'm at the point where I'm just exhausted to care about how much life sucks here. Sometimes it hard to grasp the whole idea of having a fulfilling life when all it's about is overcoming an endless supply of obstacles until you die. And don't say that that's fulfilling in itself. Sure, you feel the sense of accomplishment of success, but you just have to get ready for the next obstacle. Life becomes a conflict in itself as we are always fighting the elements in our daily lives. Kind of a rip-off, don't you think? All we get are those moments where we are at peace, and they never last very long. Hell, if I only had one wish, I'd wish to be content for the rest of my life, not rich or famous or having the ability to fly(although this would come close).
Maybe it's because I'm always lacking in energy that I have such a cynical outlook on life. Maybe I haven't been able to find that little bit of happiness everyone else seems to have already. Maybe I'm a closet EMO. Ok, maybe not that. Is everyone just ignorant, or am I the one ignoring.
...Or maybe I just need sleep...yeah...
Cheers
27.2.07
Ben's Know-How-To Success Steps
How to successfully step into moving traffic:
1. Dress to Kill: You're going to want to dress your best. You don't want to be looking like a hobo because no one will care. A good look would be clean clothes, preferably matching. A three-piece suit would work perfectly, but if you don't have that, then a nice shirt and tie would do. Ladies, no clothes you would wear to you're little S & M get-together. You're going to want to go for a nice dress or blouse, preferably black silk or cotton.
2. Location, Location: Obviously, you're not going to want to try a back alley or a street without and vehicles. The more traffic, the merrier. Great area locations: highways, freeways, the Autobahn, NASCAR track, Costa Rica, downtown slums, and gang territories.
3. Timing is Everything: Get to know the traffic patterns and general speed of the vehicles. You don't want to walk into the side of a bus or get hit by someone's grandmother who's going 20 km/h.
4. Aim for the Stars: Now it's time to step out. Choose a vehicle depending on how you would like to get hit. If you want to be mowed over, semi trucks, mini vans, SUV's, and pick-up's are you're best bet. If you want to roll over the hood and fly like rag doll, convertables, two-door cars, Formula One cars, and sports cars will help you on your way. Watch out for Smart cars, though, as you will do more damage to them than they you. Once you have your vehicle of choice, walk directly in front and centre of vehicle. (If you want to add more style, aim for the left or right of the vehicle so that you might be tossed to the side. You may even be able to pull off a double car combo with this trick.)
5. There's No Business Like Show Business: Last, but not least, have fun with it. Try to hit the ground in your most creative position. Any creative pose will surely lead you to the front page of any newspaper! Good Luck!
...
Cheers!
1. Dress to Kill: You're going to want to dress your best. You don't want to be looking like a hobo because no one will care. A good look would be clean clothes, preferably matching. A three-piece suit would work perfectly, but if you don't have that, then a nice shirt and tie would do. Ladies, no clothes you would wear to you're little S & M get-together. You're going to want to go for a nice dress or blouse, preferably black silk or cotton.
2. Location, Location: Obviously, you're not going to want to try a back alley or a street without and vehicles. The more traffic, the merrier. Great area locations: highways, freeways, the Autobahn, NASCAR track, Costa Rica, downtown slums, and gang territories.
3. Timing is Everything: Get to know the traffic patterns and general speed of the vehicles. You don't want to walk into the side of a bus or get hit by someone's grandmother who's going 20 km/h.
4. Aim for the Stars: Now it's time to step out. Choose a vehicle depending on how you would like to get hit. If you want to be mowed over, semi trucks, mini vans, SUV's, and pick-up's are you're best bet. If you want to roll over the hood and fly like rag doll, convertables, two-door cars, Formula One cars, and sports cars will help you on your way. Watch out for Smart cars, though, as you will do more damage to them than they you. Once you have your vehicle of choice, walk directly in front and centre of vehicle. (If you want to add more style, aim for the left or right of the vehicle so that you might be tossed to the side. You may even be able to pull off a double car combo with this trick.)
5. There's No Business Like Show Business: Last, but not least, have fun with it. Try to hit the ground in your most creative position. Any creative pose will surely lead you to the front page of any newspaper! Good Luck!
...
Cheers!
21.2.07
Life At Home
Ah, Spring Break.
After running through some details of my school-load and my correspondence course, I have been able to lift some weight off of my shoulders. It's nice. Where I thought I was royally screwed, I'm actually not. So, crisis averted. yay
Is it possible to feel young again at 22? Because that's what's happening. It's like I'm brand new, fresh and pressed. But, my oh so ever disconcerning subconscious falters as usual, reminding me of past experiences where this sort of thing ends just short of my expectations. That's life I suppose. I revel in it anyway.
I'm also, due to this new juvenile energy, questioning my earlier decision to spend said energy on particular things. I'm starting to wonder if this is really what I want or is there something better, something that I dont have to sell my soul to have? Probably. I'm still unsure. Is it still worth pursuing or do I need something else? Well, I have a nice ol' test thingy scheduled that hopefully will answer all of my questions. I'm making this out to be like it's a big deal, but it's not. It's just that I want what's best for me now, and I want it selfishly. I've noticed a trend in my life where half of my decisions are made based on what would make other people happy; more than half actually. Gah, I'm such a pushover...
One day, I'm going to leave it all behind. I don't mean leave for a holiday or a year even. I mean leave for good. And I cannot wait for that day.
Cheers
After running through some details of my school-load and my correspondence course, I have been able to lift some weight off of my shoulders. It's nice. Where I thought I was royally screwed, I'm actually not. So, crisis averted. yay
Is it possible to feel young again at 22? Because that's what's happening. It's like I'm brand new, fresh and pressed. But, my oh so ever disconcerning subconscious falters as usual, reminding me of past experiences where this sort of thing ends just short of my expectations. That's life I suppose. I revel in it anyway.
I'm also, due to this new juvenile energy, questioning my earlier decision to spend said energy on particular things. I'm starting to wonder if this is really what I want or is there something better, something that I dont have to sell my soul to have? Probably. I'm still unsure. Is it still worth pursuing or do I need something else? Well, I have a nice ol' test thingy scheduled that hopefully will answer all of my questions. I'm making this out to be like it's a big deal, but it's not. It's just that I want what's best for me now, and I want it selfishly. I've noticed a trend in my life where half of my decisions are made based on what would make other people happy; more than half actually. Gah, I'm such a pushover...
One day, I'm going to leave it all behind. I don't mean leave for a holiday or a year even. I mean leave for good. And I cannot wait for that day.
Cheers
13.2.07
Under Pressure
I'm having a panic attack.
A bit odd that I should be writing it down here. It's nothing major like fall-on-the-floor-twitching-all-seizure-like, but it's there. It's sitting in my chest, gripping my lungs. Like a slow poison it creeps around in my throat until it comes up and numbs my lips. I'm breathing heavily as if I'm in the mountains. The pressure is continues, never easing up, never stopping. There's no rythme like a pulse, just the constant squeeze.
It could be a number of things. I hate to admit some of them, so I won't. It could be that all of my midterms are tomorrow. It could be that my future is completely unknown to me and that scares me a lot. It could also be that I'm worried about my fragile friendship being screwed up for good if I do something foolish. It could be roommate troubles, it could be my writer's block, it could be money problems. It could be a lot of things. It could be everything. All I know is that this tension is overwhelming and I can't concentrate on anything.
So, here I am. My last resort. I write here for a bit and get it out of my system. Only, it's not really working. Maybe I should just take deep breaths and lie down or something. That might work. God, I want tomorrow to be over. Just over.
uh...
...Cheers...
A bit odd that I should be writing it down here. It's nothing major like fall-on-the-floor-twitching-all-seizure-like, but it's there. It's sitting in my chest, gripping my lungs. Like a slow poison it creeps around in my throat until it comes up and numbs my lips. I'm breathing heavily as if I'm in the mountains. The pressure is continues, never easing up, never stopping. There's no rythme like a pulse, just the constant squeeze.
It could be a number of things. I hate to admit some of them, so I won't. It could be that all of my midterms are tomorrow. It could be that my future is completely unknown to me and that scares me a lot. It could also be that I'm worried about my fragile friendship being screwed up for good if I do something foolish. It could be roommate troubles, it could be my writer's block, it could be money problems. It could be a lot of things. It could be everything. All I know is that this tension is overwhelming and I can't concentrate on anything.
So, here I am. My last resort. I write here for a bit and get it out of my system. Only, it's not really working. Maybe I should just take deep breaths and lie down or something. That might work. God, I want tomorrow to be over. Just over.
uh...
...Cheers...
11.2.07
What to do...
Well, Valentine's Day is coming up...and I could care less.
It's a stupid holiday created by Hallmark so they could sell more cards. It's also sad that we need to invent a holiday that requires us to do something romantic or whatever for our significant other. Wow, talk about taking away our initiative. Or maybe it's because I'm just so gosh darned lonely this year. It's a toss up really. I'm stifling back the tears.
Last night's Formal/Bash was...I guess...a success. I really don't know since I was only there for about an hour. I was lucky enough not to have signed up for that thing that reminds me so much of high school dances that I want to vomit. Sure it was fun seeing some people and chatting around the coat check, but everything else was...just as I expected. Drunk people dancing, sober people sitting looking bored, and drunk people sitting on the verge of passing out. What fun!
No, I had fun at O'Shea's drinking pints and playing crib in a "Anti-Formal" sort of night. It was nice there because of the no dress code thingy. I realized that I have pretty much no classy clothes. Nothing to take to a banquet or some other fancy place. Maybe I should look into that. Or not.
Wow...that's it. I've got nothing else. Holy crap my life is boring. I should go live with the Sherpas or sail on a boat or something. I need some freaking excitement. Life is too boring!
...
sigh.
Cheers!
It's a stupid holiday created by Hallmark so they could sell more cards. It's also sad that we need to invent a holiday that requires us to do something romantic or whatever for our significant other. Wow, talk about taking away our initiative. Or maybe it's because I'm just so gosh darned lonely this year. It's a toss up really. I'm stifling back the tears.
Last night's Formal/Bash was...I guess...a success. I really don't know since I was only there for about an hour. I was lucky enough not to have signed up for that thing that reminds me so much of high school dances that I want to vomit. Sure it was fun seeing some people and chatting around the coat check, but everything else was...just as I expected. Drunk people dancing, sober people sitting looking bored, and drunk people sitting on the verge of passing out. What fun!
No, I had fun at O'Shea's drinking pints and playing crib in a "Anti-Formal" sort of night. It was nice there because of the no dress code thingy. I realized that I have pretty much no classy clothes. Nothing to take to a banquet or some other fancy place. Maybe I should look into that. Or not.
Wow...that's it. I've got nothing else. Holy crap my life is boring. I should go live with the Sherpas or sail on a boat or something. I need some freaking excitement. Life is too boring!
...
sigh.
Cheers!
6.2.07
1.2.07
Open Mic
I have proof in the form of pictures! Jess and I played a couple songs last night and it was great. Especially "Jenny" by Flight of the Conchords, even we screwed up a few times. When we played "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World, I unfortunatly was more focused on the guitar in my hand than the crowd in front of me. Next Stop: Augustana Against Aids Open Mic this friday! P.S. I also have video, but I'll leave that off for now mainly because it's low quality and that I don't know how to put videos on here yet.
Jess and Me
Jess singing
Me playing, looking down
Cheers!
Jess and Me
Jess singing
Me playing, looking down
Cheers!
30.1.07
GoodFellas
It is a double-sided coin when someone tells you you look like a mobster.
On one side it's absolutely offensable. I am no mobster just because, lately, I've been dressed like one. This coat was a gift and I just like wearing it. The same goes with the leather gloves.
On the other side, it leaves a smile on my face. There's something about being a mobster that instills fear and respect into all those around you. Having that kind of power is pretty seductive. But, of course, there's an ugly side to everything.
Things with Jess have been going along far better than I could've hoped for. I guess after spending a year apart from someone important to you, you tend to want to spend as much time as you can with that person. I've never spent so much time in her company in such a short time. I'm actually beginning to feel content. I could never admit this before, but I needed her as a friend more than anything else. When I had my infatuation, I was focused on one thing. I was convinced that it would make me happy, but I never looked at the alternatives. You know, it's like wanting one single thing and not anything else.
But, the curse of my character is that I tend to look down the road quite a ways, and I can see some problem arise between the two of us. In the past, I would walk away from any pain I experienced. I found it overwhelming. It was something I had no control over. So, the question I have to ask myself is will history repeat itself? Will I walk away yet again?
Or will we have grown so much that any problem we have we can overcome? I'm aiming for this one. No regrets, right? I've stopped living in the past, so I guess that's a start.
In other news, my first performance at Open Mic last week was a minor success. I plan a follow-up tomorrow night at this week's Open Mic and Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic on Friday. Who would've thought that my immense fear of the stage would dissolve with one performance. Ok, it's not really dissolved since I still ahve that fear, but I find that getting up on that stage will be easier the second time than the first. The more you do it, the easier it gets. So true.
Come June, I plan on visiting the little sis in Switzerland! Exciting, I know. I'm not sure how I'm going to get there, all I know is that I'm going no matter what. Besides, for a while now I've been completely obsessed with Europe. I really do want to teach English overseas, and basically anywhere in Europe is my first choice. There are a lot of things in my future that are uncertain, but this feels like one of the only sure things I've got going.
Anyway, it's getting to be that time where my stomach does the thinking.
Cheers!
On one side it's absolutely offensable. I am no mobster just because, lately, I've been dressed like one. This coat was a gift and I just like wearing it. The same goes with the leather gloves.
On the other side, it leaves a smile on my face. There's something about being a mobster that instills fear and respect into all those around you. Having that kind of power is pretty seductive. But, of course, there's an ugly side to everything.
Things with Jess have been going along far better than I could've hoped for. I guess after spending a year apart from someone important to you, you tend to want to spend as much time as you can with that person. I've never spent so much time in her company in such a short time. I'm actually beginning to feel content. I could never admit this before, but I needed her as a friend more than anything else. When I had my infatuation, I was focused on one thing. I was convinced that it would make me happy, but I never looked at the alternatives. You know, it's like wanting one single thing and not anything else.
But, the curse of my character is that I tend to look down the road quite a ways, and I can see some problem arise between the two of us. In the past, I would walk away from any pain I experienced. I found it overwhelming. It was something I had no control over. So, the question I have to ask myself is will history repeat itself? Will I walk away yet again?
Or will we have grown so much that any problem we have we can overcome? I'm aiming for this one. No regrets, right? I've stopped living in the past, so I guess that's a start.
In other news, my first performance at Open Mic last week was a minor success. I plan a follow-up tomorrow night at this week's Open Mic and Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic on Friday. Who would've thought that my immense fear of the stage would dissolve with one performance. Ok, it's not really dissolved since I still ahve that fear, but I find that getting up on that stage will be easier the second time than the first. The more you do it, the easier it gets. So true.
Come June, I plan on visiting the little sis in Switzerland! Exciting, I know. I'm not sure how I'm going to get there, all I know is that I'm going no matter what. Besides, for a while now I've been completely obsessed with Europe. I really do want to teach English overseas, and basically anywhere in Europe is my first choice. There are a lot of things in my future that are uncertain, but this feels like one of the only sure things I've got going.
Anyway, it's getting to be that time where my stomach does the thinking.
Cheers!
22.1.07
Ok...What Just Happened??
I don't know why I went to her for some musical advice, I don't know why I insisted she come out to Kareoke night on Saturday, and I do not for the love of God know why I proceeded to get plastered in front of her and sing Luck Be a Lady and Sexy Back. Sure, I was a happy drunk near the end, but then I embarassingly spilled my beer in such a movie cliche way that I swore I could hear a laugh track. So, I did what any man would do under the circumstances: I ran outside in utter defeat. I was pretty sure, while lying in the snow outside, that over the course of the last year, I have made possibly the worst decisions involving this girl.
Bad decision 1: Drunken love talk to supposedly no one results in a kick-to-the-crotch "I told you so!" realization that, yes, of course someone was listening.
Bad decision 2: Spilling the beans at a table surrounded by what only be described as pirates while also wearing an eye patch and ending the night with a dramatic chasing of the car down the street to the hockey arena and basically repeating the whole spilling of the beans which didn't seem to work in the first place.
Bad decision 3: Choosing a vow of silence from dream girl because you are so angry that words can no longer describe it - thus vow of silence - and because you still cling to your obsessive insecurities like a man to a raft surrounded by pirahnas. Realizing that not saying anything is actually worse than being angry: priceless.
So, lying in the snow and losing feeling in my fingers, I realized that, yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes, but so does everyone. And the great thing about making mistakes is our ability to correct them. So, I walked back, expecting her to still be sitting there, not even realizing that I had left. What I didn't expect was her outside looking for me.
After a year of awkward silences, we talked. Well, she talked. I had hissy fits and fought nearby dumpsters. At first, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to storm off dramatically and leave her in the dust. I said that I'm going to get my coat, pay my tab, and go straight home. Little did I know was that she was damn persistant and followed me the first block like a puppy. Eventually, by 2 in the morning, we talked and talked and talked, and for the first time in a year, we ended off the night on a good note. In fact, I've seen more of her over the last day than I have in the last 6 months. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for her are still pretty confusing, but I'm glad she's back in my life. One can have only so many regrets in their life and I don't wish this to be one of them. For better or for worse, I will do everything in my power to make this work.
Here's to a good year.
Cheers!
Bad decision 1: Drunken love talk to supposedly no one results in a kick-to-the-crotch "I told you so!" realization that, yes, of course someone was listening.
Bad decision 2: Spilling the beans at a table surrounded by what only be described as pirates while also wearing an eye patch and ending the night with a dramatic chasing of the car down the street to the hockey arena and basically repeating the whole spilling of the beans which didn't seem to work in the first place.
Bad decision 3: Choosing a vow of silence from dream girl because you are so angry that words can no longer describe it - thus vow of silence - and because you still cling to your obsessive insecurities like a man to a raft surrounded by pirahnas. Realizing that not saying anything is actually worse than being angry: priceless.
So, lying in the snow and losing feeling in my fingers, I realized that, yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes, but so does everyone. And the great thing about making mistakes is our ability to correct them. So, I walked back, expecting her to still be sitting there, not even realizing that I had left. What I didn't expect was her outside looking for me.
After a year of awkward silences, we talked. Well, she talked. I had hissy fits and fought nearby dumpsters. At first, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to storm off dramatically and leave her in the dust. I said that I'm going to get my coat, pay my tab, and go straight home. Little did I know was that she was damn persistant and followed me the first block like a puppy. Eventually, by 2 in the morning, we talked and talked and talked, and for the first time in a year, we ended off the night on a good note. In fact, I've seen more of her over the last day than I have in the last 6 months. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for her are still pretty confusing, but I'm glad she's back in my life. One can have only so many regrets in their life and I don't wish this to be one of them. For better or for worse, I will do everything in my power to make this work.
Here's to a good year.
Cheers!
16.1.07
No One Way
I'm not sure if I've always known this, or whether I've recently discovered it. I must have known for a while because it sure as hell fits.
You see, when I get in front of a bunch of people, I get utterly terrified -slight exaggeration. The reason for this fear is my need to know what people think of me. Yes, I am the kind of person whose character is helped shaped by those around me. I seek acceptance from everyone, so much to the point that I become a nervous wreck around those whose opinions of me are unknown.
But there's also a plus side to this. Today, in my Creative Writing class, we discussed whether or not we are compassionate when reading our own writing. Personally, I'm compassionate for my writing when someone else reads it, and I feel totally giddy when they like it. For myself, I usually look at my work with a severely critical eye, but when I read it after someone else reads it and likes it, then I truly appreciate it. Anyway, this theory went into effect this evening during my Writing Club meeting, I handed out to everyone the first two pages of the second draft of my story - which, with any sort of miracle, will become a novel or three. As they read, I watched them. I couldn't help it, but I thought they were all just ripping it apart, especially when I saw their frowning expressions or their confused looks. During that time, my self esteem flatlines. In the span of 30 seconds I go from being a young, confident writing to a squirming ball of nervous twitches and a case of near face melting. During that time, I was a wreck. An eternity later, everyone looked up and our President, Chris, asked the dreaded question: who wants to go first?
Oh God, I thought. This is it. I'm not cut out to be a writer. I don't have what it takes. I'm I complete and utter failure. I should just kill myself and get it over with. I think I have some rope back home.
And then, the first person pipes up. She liked it. I nearly fainted. Then another person, then another. My God, they all seemed to like it. Sure they had some questions and tid bits that could easily be adjusted, but they really liked it and wanted more.
...
Ok, imagine my self esteem shoot up like a dead person waking up at a funeral.
All of a sudden, the energy around me surged through my body and a smile was plastered on my face so big kids could play jump rope with it.
Afterwards, I walked home with Matt and we both realized that we totally vibe off of each other's energy. We walk home and discuss stuff we've written and stuff we plan to write, and we've discovered that these talks rev our creative engines. So, we exchanged emails and plan to meet more during the week to discuss each other's progress.
You see, when I get in front of a bunch of people, I get utterly terrified -slight exaggeration. The reason for this fear is my need to know what people think of me. Yes, I am the kind of person whose character is helped shaped by those around me. I seek acceptance from everyone, so much to the point that I become a nervous wreck around those whose opinions of me are unknown.
But there's also a plus side to this. Today, in my Creative Writing class, we discussed whether or not we are compassionate when reading our own writing. Personally, I'm compassionate for my writing when someone else reads it, and I feel totally giddy when they like it. For myself, I usually look at my work with a severely critical eye, but when I read it after someone else reads it and likes it, then I truly appreciate it. Anyway, this theory went into effect this evening during my Writing Club meeting, I handed out to everyone the first two pages of the second draft of my story - which, with any sort of miracle, will become a novel or three. As they read, I watched them. I couldn't help it, but I thought they were all just ripping it apart, especially when I saw their frowning expressions or their confused looks. During that time, my self esteem flatlines. In the span of 30 seconds I go from being a young, confident writing to a squirming ball of nervous twitches and a case of near face melting. During that time, I was a wreck. An eternity later, everyone looked up and our President, Chris, asked the dreaded question: who wants to go first?
Oh God, I thought. This is it. I'm not cut out to be a writer. I don't have what it takes. I'm I complete and utter failure. I should just kill myself and get it over with. I think I have some rope back home.
And then, the first person pipes up. She liked it. I nearly fainted. Then another person, then another. My God, they all seemed to like it. Sure they had some questions and tid bits that could easily be adjusted, but they really liked it and wanted more.
...
Ok, imagine my self esteem shoot up like a dead person waking up at a funeral.
All of a sudden, the energy around me surged through my body and a smile was plastered on my face so big kids could play jump rope with it.
Afterwards, I walked home with Matt and we both realized that we totally vibe off of each other's energy. We walk home and discuss stuff we've written and stuff we plan to write, and we've discovered that these talks rev our creative engines. So, we exchanged emails and plan to meet more during the week to discuss each other's progress.
***
In other news, Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic will now be held on Friday, February 2nd. Please, if you're reading this and are anywhere near Camrose, come to it. If you don't know where to go, leave a message and I'l get back to you. Anyway, I'll be definitely playing then. It will be my debute. I am super terrified for the reasons stated at the beginning of this entry, but I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't risk it and go for it all. Dan, I can't wait for our practice sessions this weekend. We are going to be better than we think since we are our own worst critics.
Man, I am one happy son-of-a-bitch!
Cheers!
10.1.07
Ben Presents: Interview With An Achiever
Today is a very special day because I had the opportunity to interview a great success story. His name is Barry Carmen, and through struggle and hardship, he became very successful in life.
Ben: So Barry, how's it going?
Barry Carmen: It's going very swell.
B: That's good to hear. I guess the first question I have for you is just how is life, my man?
BC: Oh well, it's very...very swell and I'm enjoying all aspects of life like driving my Smart Car and other very fulfilling things. I mean, things are just going great, like movie star great. I got myself a pool that I swim in all the time, and I got an elevator because I find stairs useless. So it's swell.
B: Tell us, what do you do in your spare time?
BC: That is an excellent question. I have tons of spare time now that I am a successful person. I enjoy playing Tennis as well as Miniature Tennis. I have become very good at this mainly because I train with the Tennis sherpas of Tibet. I train at Tennis for 16 hours a day. Then I like to go driving in my disposable Smart Car.
B: Disposable?
BC: Yes, they last about a day and then buy another one the next day. Doesn't everybody? Anyway, as I was saying, after driving and street racing of course, I like to write poetry and read to the homeless. Sometimes they don't like my poetry and say mean things to me, but I forgive them because they are homeless, and homeless people are crazy.
B: Hmm...uh?
BC: After all that it is around midday, and that's when I like to visit places and start a book signing.
B: Oh, you have book out already?
BC: Oh no of course not. Why would I bring a book? Reading does not make a person successful. No, I sign other peoples books with success tips on the covers so they look at my advice and not some silly book.I mean, honestly, who needs books? We have a little invention called the T.V.
B: Of course...
BC: During my evenings, for supper I make sure I have something from every food group to keep me physically fit. I have milk straight from the cow because it is more nutritious. Then I have that cow slaughtered for it's meat because cows have so much protien and carbons and stuff. Then I like to have a single loaf of sliced bread because everyone knows that there's nothing more amazing than sliced bread. After I go hunting with a bow and arrow in my garden for fruits hanging in the trees and the vegetables in the ground because that's what they did in medievel times. I don't have the last food group of french fries until I go to bed. Of course, when I go to bed, I have my manservant, Jacques, read me a bedtime story. My favorite one is "Teaching Elementry Children for Dummies".
B: Wow, that's really something.
BC: Thank you.
B: Do you think you can describe to us just what made you such a success?
BC: Of course. I'd be happy to. I have found that the key to my success is my ability to be successful.
B: Oh...could you desribe your "ability" to us?
BC: No. But I will say this: you have to become successful to be a success in life. That's the only way to do it. I became successful and now I am successful.
B: Amazing words from an amazing person. For my last question, do you have any tips for our readers out there?
BC: Yes, of course Jimmy. My advice to all of you people out there who are not me is this: be successful. Just set your mind on success and go be successful. I don't think I can put it any more bluntly. Oh, and don't buy drugs. I know how easy they are to buy over the counter, but drugs are illegal and they will hang you for it.
B: Well, thank you once again Barry for stopping by.
BC: [Starts walking away] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of co-[Trips] Oops! Ugh...uh [Unintelligable mumbling].
Ben: So Barry, how's it going?
Barry Carmen: It's going very swell.
B: That's good to hear. I guess the first question I have for you is just how is life, my man?
BC: Oh well, it's very...very swell and I'm enjoying all aspects of life like driving my Smart Car and other very fulfilling things. I mean, things are just going great, like movie star great. I got myself a pool that I swim in all the time, and I got an elevator because I find stairs useless. So it's swell.
B: Tell us, what do you do in your spare time?
BC: That is an excellent question. I have tons of spare time now that I am a successful person. I enjoy playing Tennis as well as Miniature Tennis. I have become very good at this mainly because I train with the Tennis sherpas of Tibet. I train at Tennis for 16 hours a day. Then I like to go driving in my disposable Smart Car.
B: Disposable?
BC: Yes, they last about a day and then buy another one the next day. Doesn't everybody? Anyway, as I was saying, after driving and street racing of course, I like to write poetry and read to the homeless. Sometimes they don't like my poetry and say mean things to me, but I forgive them because they are homeless, and homeless people are crazy.
B: Hmm...uh?
BC: After all that it is around midday, and that's when I like to visit places and start a book signing.
B: Oh, you have book out already?
BC: Oh no of course not. Why would I bring a book? Reading does not make a person successful. No, I sign other peoples books with success tips on the covers so they look at my advice and not some silly book.I mean, honestly, who needs books? We have a little invention called the T.V.
B: Of course...
BC: During my evenings, for supper I make sure I have something from every food group to keep me physically fit. I have milk straight from the cow because it is more nutritious. Then I have that cow slaughtered for it's meat because cows have so much protien and carbons and stuff. Then I like to have a single loaf of sliced bread because everyone knows that there's nothing more amazing than sliced bread. After I go hunting with a bow and arrow in my garden for fruits hanging in the trees and the vegetables in the ground because that's what they did in medievel times. I don't have the last food group of french fries until I go to bed. Of course, when I go to bed, I have my manservant, Jacques, read me a bedtime story. My favorite one is "Teaching Elementry Children for Dummies".
B: Wow, that's really something.
BC: Thank you.
B: Do you think you can describe to us just what made you such a success?
BC: Of course. I'd be happy to. I have found that the key to my success is my ability to be successful.
B: Oh...could you desribe your "ability" to us?
BC: No. But I will say this: you have to become successful to be a success in life. That's the only way to do it. I became successful and now I am successful.
B: Amazing words from an amazing person. For my last question, do you have any tips for our readers out there?
BC: Yes, of course Jimmy. My advice to all of you people out there who are not me is this: be successful. Just set your mind on success and go be successful. I don't think I can put it any more bluntly. Oh, and don't buy drugs. I know how easy they are to buy over the counter, but drugs are illegal and they will hang you for it.
B: Well, thank you once again Barry for stopping by.
BC: [Starts walking away] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of co-[Trips] Oops! Ugh...uh [Unintelligable mumbling].
8.1.07
New, Old, the Same
Guess what everybody? I'm back in Camrose. Yippee. Seriously, though, I'm genuinely excited to be back and I hate it. I'm never excited to return to Camrose. I mean, Camrose is my new Ponoka. You know, when you live somewhere for a long period of time and after a while you just find it utterly dull. That's Camrose for me. So why am I excited? Well, for starters, I have a snazzy new coat that adds a level of false sophistication to my personality in my subconscious hopes that it makes better eye candy to the ladies or even turn me into an object. I have my hopes.
Another thing is that I'm not harbouring harsh feelings to anyone in particular. It's nice. Sort of like turning over a new leaf but without the useless montage featuring the latest pop singer who sold their soul to the corporate devil or the lame cliches you see in most teen movies nowadays. I feel good. And I mean good in the good sense, not the generic response.
Do I dare say that I am new man? Am I changed so profoundly? Of course not you silly twit. I am simply improved.
So, this new - and hopefully last - semester starts tomorrow bright and early at 10:50. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my English days, nothing but my two English courses. One of the them is Creative Writing, to which I am completely ga-ga for. I think I will post some if not all of the stuff I produce for that class. For bragging rights.
This coming up weekend also sees my possible first ever live performance at Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic this Friday. I was just making my rounds to the friends' houses when I stopped by Tif's and she insisted that I do it. So, I'm in, for the most part. Dan, if you're reading this, email me if you want in. I know it's short notice, I just found out myself.
Well, I really should finish unpacking since this is my home for the next four months.
Cheers!
Update: Sorry Dan, but the Open Mic this Friday has been cancelled. I'll let you know when I'll do one at Scalliwag's, but this one will most likely be moved to sometime next month.
Another thing is that I'm not harbouring harsh feelings to anyone in particular. It's nice. Sort of like turning over a new leaf but without the useless montage featuring the latest pop singer who sold their soul to the corporate devil or the lame cliches you see in most teen movies nowadays. I feel good. And I mean good in the good sense, not the generic response.
Do I dare say that I am new man? Am I changed so profoundly? Of course not you silly twit. I am simply improved.
So, this new - and hopefully last - semester starts tomorrow bright and early at 10:50. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my English days, nothing but my two English courses. One of the them is Creative Writing, to which I am completely ga-ga for. I think I will post some if not all of the stuff I produce for that class. For bragging rights.
This coming up weekend also sees my possible first ever live performance at Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic this Friday. I was just making my rounds to the friends' houses when I stopped by Tif's and she insisted that I do it. So, I'm in, for the most part. Dan, if you're reading this, email me if you want in. I know it's short notice, I just found out myself.
Well, I really should finish unpacking since this is my home for the next four months.
Cheers!
Update: Sorry Dan, but the Open Mic this Friday has been cancelled. I'll let you know when I'll do one at Scalliwag's, but this one will most likely be moved to sometime next month.
3.1.07
Happy New Year Part II
Ok...
So I said I was going to list all of the good things of 2006, but I haven't thought about it at all. I mean, I haven't looked back much lately. So, this will be a sort of last minute attempt.
1. For good and for bad, this last year has changed me considerably. A year ago, I was able to label myself as the calmest person on campus. Now, after experiencing heartbreak, spats of depression, and serious self doubt, I am emotionally exhausted. Ironically, I did most of this to myself. All it took to recover was four months and mindless labour. Last summer I thought of little else other than the pages of the books I read. Of course, like any wound, a scar remains and reminds me of the consequences of my attachments, even obsessions. Now, I look back at the time when it all started. I can laugh at the cheesy words I spoke and I look away grinning at my embarassing demeanor and awkward advances. Oh the drama! Anyway, this year taught me that change is good, getting hung up on the past is unhealthy, and giving up before you try is a real turn-off.
2. Another good and bad one, my realization that school is nearly over, and life is forcing me to begin my own. I am deeply saddened that this is my last year, my senior year- unless I do a crap-job in the last semester of my studies. Like a slap in the face, I'm being told life moves and so must I. Hopefully this new year will provide with a map and possibly a direction.
3. I'm no good with kids. On the surface this is highly negative of me to even consider this a good thing, but allow me to elaborate. You see, for me, kids equals marriage and marriage equals meeting, falling in love with and vice versa with "The One". My problem the last few years is that I already figured who "The One" I was destined for was, which, as you should have guessed by now, did not work out in the least. I was so focused on this...dream that I couldn't see all the other prospects staring me right in the face. I see them now, and I figured I passed up at least three now, the other ones could just as well have been mixed signals. Anyway, the thing about not being good with kids made me realize that I'm not ready for kids, or marriage or "The One". I have officially stopped searching and will take my newly shallowed social life one day- or prospect- at a time.
4. Lastly, I've thrown out the whole "good friends are hard to come by" and "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" quotes. Good friends do not have be "good". That's just wishful thining. I like the idea of the exact opposite. Just be a good friend yourself. Good friends are hard to come by mainly because some of us have yet to be a good friend ourselves. The thing about enemies is that I like to think I don't have any enemies, just some people who find my odd social behaviour annoying or- and I mean this in the nicest sense- chicken-shits who would rather avoid me and go around my back than to confront me themselves. Or maybe I should show some intiative or a more welcoming presence.
In the end, 2006 was in no way a high note in my life, but it was a baby step for me in my maturity and my...well mostly just my maturity.
2007 shows promise according to my year-long horoscope I found in the paper (honest to God, I got a five out of five stars in my life altering...scale).
Anyways, the house is empty and I'm off to a supper.
Cheers!
So I said I was going to list all of the good things of 2006, but I haven't thought about it at all. I mean, I haven't looked back much lately. So, this will be a sort of last minute attempt.
1. For good and for bad, this last year has changed me considerably. A year ago, I was able to label myself as the calmest person on campus. Now, after experiencing heartbreak, spats of depression, and serious self doubt, I am emotionally exhausted. Ironically, I did most of this to myself. All it took to recover was four months and mindless labour. Last summer I thought of little else other than the pages of the books I read. Of course, like any wound, a scar remains and reminds me of the consequences of my attachments, even obsessions. Now, I look back at the time when it all started. I can laugh at the cheesy words I spoke and I look away grinning at my embarassing demeanor and awkward advances. Oh the drama! Anyway, this year taught me that change is good, getting hung up on the past is unhealthy, and giving up before you try is a real turn-off.
2. Another good and bad one, my realization that school is nearly over, and life is forcing me to begin my own. I am deeply saddened that this is my last year, my senior year- unless I do a crap-job in the last semester of my studies. Like a slap in the face, I'm being told life moves and so must I. Hopefully this new year will provide with a map and possibly a direction.
3. I'm no good with kids. On the surface this is highly negative of me to even consider this a good thing, but allow me to elaborate. You see, for me, kids equals marriage and marriage equals meeting, falling in love with and vice versa with "The One". My problem the last few years is that I already figured who "The One" I was destined for was, which, as you should have guessed by now, did not work out in the least. I was so focused on this...dream that I couldn't see all the other prospects staring me right in the face. I see them now, and I figured I passed up at least three now, the other ones could just as well have been mixed signals. Anyway, the thing about not being good with kids made me realize that I'm not ready for kids, or marriage or "The One". I have officially stopped searching and will take my newly shallowed social life one day- or prospect- at a time.
4. Lastly, I've thrown out the whole "good friends are hard to come by" and "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" quotes. Good friends do not have be "good". That's just wishful thining. I like the idea of the exact opposite. Just be a good friend yourself. Good friends are hard to come by mainly because some of us have yet to be a good friend ourselves. The thing about enemies is that I like to think I don't have any enemies, just some people who find my odd social behaviour annoying or- and I mean this in the nicest sense- chicken-shits who would rather avoid me and go around my back than to confront me themselves. Or maybe I should show some intiative or a more welcoming presence.
In the end, 2006 was in no way a high note in my life, but it was a baby step for me in my maturity and my...well mostly just my maturity.
2007 shows promise according to my year-long horoscope I found in the paper (honest to God, I got a five out of five stars in my life altering...scale).
Anyways, the house is empty and I'm off to a supper.
Cheers!
1.1.07
Happy New Year Part I
I've spent the last half hour writing something I never want to write again. It was a look over the last year and the one thing I remember most--which also happens to be the one thing I want to forget. So, I'm doing the latter, more or less. The past is the past, the future's moving forward and so must I. A new year awaits. Tomorrow, I'm going to write down the best of 2006 and what I have to look forward to in 2007.
To be continued...
To be continued...
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