It is a double-sided coin when someone tells you you look like a mobster.
On one side it's absolutely offensable. I am no mobster just because, lately, I've been dressed like one. This coat was a gift and I just like wearing it. The same goes with the leather gloves.
On the other side, it leaves a smile on my face. There's something about being a mobster that instills fear and respect into all those around you. Having that kind of power is pretty seductive. But, of course, there's an ugly side to everything.
Things with Jess have been going along far better than I could've hoped for. I guess after spending a year apart from someone important to you, you tend to want to spend as much time as you can with that person. I've never spent so much time in her company in such a short time. I'm actually beginning to feel content. I could never admit this before, but I needed her as a friend more than anything else. When I had my infatuation, I was focused on one thing. I was convinced that it would make me happy, but I never looked at the alternatives. You know, it's like wanting one single thing and not anything else.
But, the curse of my character is that I tend to look down the road quite a ways, and I can see some problem arise between the two of us. In the past, I would walk away from any pain I experienced. I found it overwhelming. It was something I had no control over. So, the question I have to ask myself is will history repeat itself? Will I walk away yet again?
Or will we have grown so much that any problem we have we can overcome? I'm aiming for this one. No regrets, right? I've stopped living in the past, so I guess that's a start.
In other news, my first performance at Open Mic last week was a minor success. I plan a follow-up tomorrow night at this week's Open Mic and Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic on Friday. Who would've thought that my immense fear of the stage would dissolve with one performance. Ok, it's not really dissolved since I still ahve that fear, but I find that getting up on that stage will be easier the second time than the first. The more you do it, the easier it gets. So true.
Come June, I plan on visiting the little sis in Switzerland! Exciting, I know. I'm not sure how I'm going to get there, all I know is that I'm going no matter what. Besides, for a while now I've been completely obsessed with Europe. I really do want to teach English overseas, and basically anywhere in Europe is my first choice. There are a lot of things in my future that are uncertain, but this feels like one of the only sure things I've got going.
Anyway, it's getting to be that time where my stomach does the thinking.
Cheers!
30.1.07
22.1.07
Ok...What Just Happened??
I don't know why I went to her for some musical advice, I don't know why I insisted she come out to Kareoke night on Saturday, and I do not for the love of God know why I proceeded to get plastered in front of her and sing Luck Be a Lady and Sexy Back. Sure, I was a happy drunk near the end, but then I embarassingly spilled my beer in such a movie cliche way that I swore I could hear a laugh track. So, I did what any man would do under the circumstances: I ran outside in utter defeat. I was pretty sure, while lying in the snow outside, that over the course of the last year, I have made possibly the worst decisions involving this girl.
Bad decision 1: Drunken love talk to supposedly no one results in a kick-to-the-crotch "I told you so!" realization that, yes, of course someone was listening.
Bad decision 2: Spilling the beans at a table surrounded by what only be described as pirates while also wearing an eye patch and ending the night with a dramatic chasing of the car down the street to the hockey arena and basically repeating the whole spilling of the beans which didn't seem to work in the first place.
Bad decision 3: Choosing a vow of silence from dream girl because you are so angry that words can no longer describe it - thus vow of silence - and because you still cling to your obsessive insecurities like a man to a raft surrounded by pirahnas. Realizing that not saying anything is actually worse than being angry: priceless.
So, lying in the snow and losing feeling in my fingers, I realized that, yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes, but so does everyone. And the great thing about making mistakes is our ability to correct them. So, I walked back, expecting her to still be sitting there, not even realizing that I had left. What I didn't expect was her outside looking for me.
After a year of awkward silences, we talked. Well, she talked. I had hissy fits and fought nearby dumpsters. At first, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to storm off dramatically and leave her in the dust. I said that I'm going to get my coat, pay my tab, and go straight home. Little did I know was that she was damn persistant and followed me the first block like a puppy. Eventually, by 2 in the morning, we talked and talked and talked, and for the first time in a year, we ended off the night on a good note. In fact, I've seen more of her over the last day than I have in the last 6 months. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for her are still pretty confusing, but I'm glad she's back in my life. One can have only so many regrets in their life and I don't wish this to be one of them. For better or for worse, I will do everything in my power to make this work.
Here's to a good year.
Cheers!
Bad decision 1: Drunken love talk to supposedly no one results in a kick-to-the-crotch "I told you so!" realization that, yes, of course someone was listening.
Bad decision 2: Spilling the beans at a table surrounded by what only be described as pirates while also wearing an eye patch and ending the night with a dramatic chasing of the car down the street to the hockey arena and basically repeating the whole spilling of the beans which didn't seem to work in the first place.
Bad decision 3: Choosing a vow of silence from dream girl because you are so angry that words can no longer describe it - thus vow of silence - and because you still cling to your obsessive insecurities like a man to a raft surrounded by pirahnas. Realizing that not saying anything is actually worse than being angry: priceless.
So, lying in the snow and losing feeling in my fingers, I realized that, yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes, but so does everyone. And the great thing about making mistakes is our ability to correct them. So, I walked back, expecting her to still be sitting there, not even realizing that I had left. What I didn't expect was her outside looking for me.
After a year of awkward silences, we talked. Well, she talked. I had hissy fits and fought nearby dumpsters. At first, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to storm off dramatically and leave her in the dust. I said that I'm going to get my coat, pay my tab, and go straight home. Little did I know was that she was damn persistant and followed me the first block like a puppy. Eventually, by 2 in the morning, we talked and talked and talked, and for the first time in a year, we ended off the night on a good note. In fact, I've seen more of her over the last day than I have in the last 6 months. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for her are still pretty confusing, but I'm glad she's back in my life. One can have only so many regrets in their life and I don't wish this to be one of them. For better or for worse, I will do everything in my power to make this work.
Here's to a good year.
Cheers!
16.1.07
No One Way
I'm not sure if I've always known this, or whether I've recently discovered it. I must have known for a while because it sure as hell fits.
You see, when I get in front of a bunch of people, I get utterly terrified -slight exaggeration. The reason for this fear is my need to know what people think of me. Yes, I am the kind of person whose character is helped shaped by those around me. I seek acceptance from everyone, so much to the point that I become a nervous wreck around those whose opinions of me are unknown.
But there's also a plus side to this. Today, in my Creative Writing class, we discussed whether or not we are compassionate when reading our own writing. Personally, I'm compassionate for my writing when someone else reads it, and I feel totally giddy when they like it. For myself, I usually look at my work with a severely critical eye, but when I read it after someone else reads it and likes it, then I truly appreciate it. Anyway, this theory went into effect this evening during my Writing Club meeting, I handed out to everyone the first two pages of the second draft of my story - which, with any sort of miracle, will become a novel or three. As they read, I watched them. I couldn't help it, but I thought they were all just ripping it apart, especially when I saw their frowning expressions or their confused looks. During that time, my self esteem flatlines. In the span of 30 seconds I go from being a young, confident writing to a squirming ball of nervous twitches and a case of near face melting. During that time, I was a wreck. An eternity later, everyone looked up and our President, Chris, asked the dreaded question: who wants to go first?
Oh God, I thought. This is it. I'm not cut out to be a writer. I don't have what it takes. I'm I complete and utter failure. I should just kill myself and get it over with. I think I have some rope back home.
And then, the first person pipes up. She liked it. I nearly fainted. Then another person, then another. My God, they all seemed to like it. Sure they had some questions and tid bits that could easily be adjusted, but they really liked it and wanted more.
...
Ok, imagine my self esteem shoot up like a dead person waking up at a funeral.
All of a sudden, the energy around me surged through my body and a smile was plastered on my face so big kids could play jump rope with it.
Afterwards, I walked home with Matt and we both realized that we totally vibe off of each other's energy. We walk home and discuss stuff we've written and stuff we plan to write, and we've discovered that these talks rev our creative engines. So, we exchanged emails and plan to meet more during the week to discuss each other's progress.
You see, when I get in front of a bunch of people, I get utterly terrified -slight exaggeration. The reason for this fear is my need to know what people think of me. Yes, I am the kind of person whose character is helped shaped by those around me. I seek acceptance from everyone, so much to the point that I become a nervous wreck around those whose opinions of me are unknown.
But there's also a plus side to this. Today, in my Creative Writing class, we discussed whether or not we are compassionate when reading our own writing. Personally, I'm compassionate for my writing when someone else reads it, and I feel totally giddy when they like it. For myself, I usually look at my work with a severely critical eye, but when I read it after someone else reads it and likes it, then I truly appreciate it. Anyway, this theory went into effect this evening during my Writing Club meeting, I handed out to everyone the first two pages of the second draft of my story - which, with any sort of miracle, will become a novel or three. As they read, I watched them. I couldn't help it, but I thought they were all just ripping it apart, especially when I saw their frowning expressions or their confused looks. During that time, my self esteem flatlines. In the span of 30 seconds I go from being a young, confident writing to a squirming ball of nervous twitches and a case of near face melting. During that time, I was a wreck. An eternity later, everyone looked up and our President, Chris, asked the dreaded question: who wants to go first?
Oh God, I thought. This is it. I'm not cut out to be a writer. I don't have what it takes. I'm I complete and utter failure. I should just kill myself and get it over with. I think I have some rope back home.
And then, the first person pipes up. She liked it. I nearly fainted. Then another person, then another. My God, they all seemed to like it. Sure they had some questions and tid bits that could easily be adjusted, but they really liked it and wanted more.
...
Ok, imagine my self esteem shoot up like a dead person waking up at a funeral.
All of a sudden, the energy around me surged through my body and a smile was plastered on my face so big kids could play jump rope with it.
Afterwards, I walked home with Matt and we both realized that we totally vibe off of each other's energy. We walk home and discuss stuff we've written and stuff we plan to write, and we've discovered that these talks rev our creative engines. So, we exchanged emails and plan to meet more during the week to discuss each other's progress.
***
In other news, Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic will now be held on Friday, February 2nd. Please, if you're reading this and are anywhere near Camrose, come to it. If you don't know where to go, leave a message and I'l get back to you. Anyway, I'll be definitely playing then. It will be my debute. I am super terrified for the reasons stated at the beginning of this entry, but I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't risk it and go for it all. Dan, I can't wait for our practice sessions this weekend. We are going to be better than we think since we are our own worst critics.
Man, I am one happy son-of-a-bitch!
Cheers!
10.1.07
Ben Presents: Interview With An Achiever
Today is a very special day because I had the opportunity to interview a great success story. His name is Barry Carmen, and through struggle and hardship, he became very successful in life.
Ben: So Barry, how's it going?
Barry Carmen: It's going very swell.
B: That's good to hear. I guess the first question I have for you is just how is life, my man?
BC: Oh well, it's very...very swell and I'm enjoying all aspects of life like driving my Smart Car and other very fulfilling things. I mean, things are just going great, like movie star great. I got myself a pool that I swim in all the time, and I got an elevator because I find stairs useless. So it's swell.
B: Tell us, what do you do in your spare time?
BC: That is an excellent question. I have tons of spare time now that I am a successful person. I enjoy playing Tennis as well as Miniature Tennis. I have become very good at this mainly because I train with the Tennis sherpas of Tibet. I train at Tennis for 16 hours a day. Then I like to go driving in my disposable Smart Car.
B: Disposable?
BC: Yes, they last about a day and then buy another one the next day. Doesn't everybody? Anyway, as I was saying, after driving and street racing of course, I like to write poetry and read to the homeless. Sometimes they don't like my poetry and say mean things to me, but I forgive them because they are homeless, and homeless people are crazy.
B: Hmm...uh?
BC: After all that it is around midday, and that's when I like to visit places and start a book signing.
B: Oh, you have book out already?
BC: Oh no of course not. Why would I bring a book? Reading does not make a person successful. No, I sign other peoples books with success tips on the covers so they look at my advice and not some silly book.I mean, honestly, who needs books? We have a little invention called the T.V.
B: Of course...
BC: During my evenings, for supper I make sure I have something from every food group to keep me physically fit. I have milk straight from the cow because it is more nutritious. Then I have that cow slaughtered for it's meat because cows have so much protien and carbons and stuff. Then I like to have a single loaf of sliced bread because everyone knows that there's nothing more amazing than sliced bread. After I go hunting with a bow and arrow in my garden for fruits hanging in the trees and the vegetables in the ground because that's what they did in medievel times. I don't have the last food group of french fries until I go to bed. Of course, when I go to bed, I have my manservant, Jacques, read me a bedtime story. My favorite one is "Teaching Elementry Children for Dummies".
B: Wow, that's really something.
BC: Thank you.
B: Do you think you can describe to us just what made you such a success?
BC: Of course. I'd be happy to. I have found that the key to my success is my ability to be successful.
B: Oh...could you desribe your "ability" to us?
BC: No. But I will say this: you have to become successful to be a success in life. That's the only way to do it. I became successful and now I am successful.
B: Amazing words from an amazing person. For my last question, do you have any tips for our readers out there?
BC: Yes, of course Jimmy. My advice to all of you people out there who are not me is this: be successful. Just set your mind on success and go be successful. I don't think I can put it any more bluntly. Oh, and don't buy drugs. I know how easy they are to buy over the counter, but drugs are illegal and they will hang you for it.
B: Well, thank you once again Barry for stopping by.
BC: [Starts walking away] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of co-[Trips] Oops! Ugh...uh [Unintelligable mumbling].
Ben: So Barry, how's it going?
Barry Carmen: It's going very swell.
B: That's good to hear. I guess the first question I have for you is just how is life, my man?
BC: Oh well, it's very...very swell and I'm enjoying all aspects of life like driving my Smart Car and other very fulfilling things. I mean, things are just going great, like movie star great. I got myself a pool that I swim in all the time, and I got an elevator because I find stairs useless. So it's swell.
B: Tell us, what do you do in your spare time?
BC: That is an excellent question. I have tons of spare time now that I am a successful person. I enjoy playing Tennis as well as Miniature Tennis. I have become very good at this mainly because I train with the Tennis sherpas of Tibet. I train at Tennis for 16 hours a day. Then I like to go driving in my disposable Smart Car.
B: Disposable?
BC: Yes, they last about a day and then buy another one the next day. Doesn't everybody? Anyway, as I was saying, after driving and street racing of course, I like to write poetry and read to the homeless. Sometimes they don't like my poetry and say mean things to me, but I forgive them because they are homeless, and homeless people are crazy.
B: Hmm...uh?
BC: After all that it is around midday, and that's when I like to visit places and start a book signing.
B: Oh, you have book out already?
BC: Oh no of course not. Why would I bring a book? Reading does not make a person successful. No, I sign other peoples books with success tips on the covers so they look at my advice and not some silly book.I mean, honestly, who needs books? We have a little invention called the T.V.
B: Of course...
BC: During my evenings, for supper I make sure I have something from every food group to keep me physically fit. I have milk straight from the cow because it is more nutritious. Then I have that cow slaughtered for it's meat because cows have so much protien and carbons and stuff. Then I like to have a single loaf of sliced bread because everyone knows that there's nothing more amazing than sliced bread. After I go hunting with a bow and arrow in my garden for fruits hanging in the trees and the vegetables in the ground because that's what they did in medievel times. I don't have the last food group of french fries until I go to bed. Of course, when I go to bed, I have my manservant, Jacques, read me a bedtime story. My favorite one is "Teaching Elementry Children for Dummies".
B: Wow, that's really something.
BC: Thank you.
B: Do you think you can describe to us just what made you such a success?
BC: Of course. I'd be happy to. I have found that the key to my success is my ability to be successful.
B: Oh...could you desribe your "ability" to us?
BC: No. But I will say this: you have to become successful to be a success in life. That's the only way to do it. I became successful and now I am successful.
B: Amazing words from an amazing person. For my last question, do you have any tips for our readers out there?
BC: Yes, of course Jimmy. My advice to all of you people out there who are not me is this: be successful. Just set your mind on success and go be successful. I don't think I can put it any more bluntly. Oh, and don't buy drugs. I know how easy they are to buy over the counter, but drugs are illegal and they will hang you for it.
B: Well, thank you once again Barry for stopping by.
BC: [Starts walking away] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of co-[Trips] Oops! Ugh...uh [Unintelligable mumbling].
8.1.07
New, Old, the Same
Guess what everybody? I'm back in Camrose. Yippee. Seriously, though, I'm genuinely excited to be back and I hate it. I'm never excited to return to Camrose. I mean, Camrose is my new Ponoka. You know, when you live somewhere for a long period of time and after a while you just find it utterly dull. That's Camrose for me. So why am I excited? Well, for starters, I have a snazzy new coat that adds a level of false sophistication to my personality in my subconscious hopes that it makes better eye candy to the ladies or even turn me into an object. I have my hopes.
Another thing is that I'm not harbouring harsh feelings to anyone in particular. It's nice. Sort of like turning over a new leaf but without the useless montage featuring the latest pop singer who sold their soul to the corporate devil or the lame cliches you see in most teen movies nowadays. I feel good. And I mean good in the good sense, not the generic response.
Do I dare say that I am new man? Am I changed so profoundly? Of course not you silly twit. I am simply improved.
So, this new - and hopefully last - semester starts tomorrow bright and early at 10:50. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my English days, nothing but my two English courses. One of the them is Creative Writing, to which I am completely ga-ga for. I think I will post some if not all of the stuff I produce for that class. For bragging rights.
This coming up weekend also sees my possible first ever live performance at Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic this Friday. I was just making my rounds to the friends' houses when I stopped by Tif's and she insisted that I do it. So, I'm in, for the most part. Dan, if you're reading this, email me if you want in. I know it's short notice, I just found out myself.
Well, I really should finish unpacking since this is my home for the next four months.
Cheers!
Update: Sorry Dan, but the Open Mic this Friday has been cancelled. I'll let you know when I'll do one at Scalliwag's, but this one will most likely be moved to sometime next month.
Another thing is that I'm not harbouring harsh feelings to anyone in particular. It's nice. Sort of like turning over a new leaf but without the useless montage featuring the latest pop singer who sold their soul to the corporate devil or the lame cliches you see in most teen movies nowadays. I feel good. And I mean good in the good sense, not the generic response.
Do I dare say that I am new man? Am I changed so profoundly? Of course not you silly twit. I am simply improved.
So, this new - and hopefully last - semester starts tomorrow bright and early at 10:50. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my English days, nothing but my two English courses. One of the them is Creative Writing, to which I am completely ga-ga for. I think I will post some if not all of the stuff I produce for that class. For bragging rights.
This coming up weekend also sees my possible first ever live performance at Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic this Friday. I was just making my rounds to the friends' houses when I stopped by Tif's and she insisted that I do it. So, I'm in, for the most part. Dan, if you're reading this, email me if you want in. I know it's short notice, I just found out myself.
Well, I really should finish unpacking since this is my home for the next four months.
Cheers!
Update: Sorry Dan, but the Open Mic this Friday has been cancelled. I'll let you know when I'll do one at Scalliwag's, but this one will most likely be moved to sometime next month.
3.1.07
Happy New Year Part II
Ok...
So I said I was going to list all of the good things of 2006, but I haven't thought about it at all. I mean, I haven't looked back much lately. So, this will be a sort of last minute attempt.
1. For good and for bad, this last year has changed me considerably. A year ago, I was able to label myself as the calmest person on campus. Now, after experiencing heartbreak, spats of depression, and serious self doubt, I am emotionally exhausted. Ironically, I did most of this to myself. All it took to recover was four months and mindless labour. Last summer I thought of little else other than the pages of the books I read. Of course, like any wound, a scar remains and reminds me of the consequences of my attachments, even obsessions. Now, I look back at the time when it all started. I can laugh at the cheesy words I spoke and I look away grinning at my embarassing demeanor and awkward advances. Oh the drama! Anyway, this year taught me that change is good, getting hung up on the past is unhealthy, and giving up before you try is a real turn-off.
2. Another good and bad one, my realization that school is nearly over, and life is forcing me to begin my own. I am deeply saddened that this is my last year, my senior year- unless I do a crap-job in the last semester of my studies. Like a slap in the face, I'm being told life moves and so must I. Hopefully this new year will provide with a map and possibly a direction.
3. I'm no good with kids. On the surface this is highly negative of me to even consider this a good thing, but allow me to elaborate. You see, for me, kids equals marriage and marriage equals meeting, falling in love with and vice versa with "The One". My problem the last few years is that I already figured who "The One" I was destined for was, which, as you should have guessed by now, did not work out in the least. I was so focused on this...dream that I couldn't see all the other prospects staring me right in the face. I see them now, and I figured I passed up at least three now, the other ones could just as well have been mixed signals. Anyway, the thing about not being good with kids made me realize that I'm not ready for kids, or marriage or "The One". I have officially stopped searching and will take my newly shallowed social life one day- or prospect- at a time.
4. Lastly, I've thrown out the whole "good friends are hard to come by" and "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" quotes. Good friends do not have be "good". That's just wishful thining. I like the idea of the exact opposite. Just be a good friend yourself. Good friends are hard to come by mainly because some of us have yet to be a good friend ourselves. The thing about enemies is that I like to think I don't have any enemies, just some people who find my odd social behaviour annoying or- and I mean this in the nicest sense- chicken-shits who would rather avoid me and go around my back than to confront me themselves. Or maybe I should show some intiative or a more welcoming presence.
In the end, 2006 was in no way a high note in my life, but it was a baby step for me in my maturity and my...well mostly just my maturity.
2007 shows promise according to my year-long horoscope I found in the paper (honest to God, I got a five out of five stars in my life altering...scale).
Anyways, the house is empty and I'm off to a supper.
Cheers!
So I said I was going to list all of the good things of 2006, but I haven't thought about it at all. I mean, I haven't looked back much lately. So, this will be a sort of last minute attempt.
1. For good and for bad, this last year has changed me considerably. A year ago, I was able to label myself as the calmest person on campus. Now, after experiencing heartbreak, spats of depression, and serious self doubt, I am emotionally exhausted. Ironically, I did most of this to myself. All it took to recover was four months and mindless labour. Last summer I thought of little else other than the pages of the books I read. Of course, like any wound, a scar remains and reminds me of the consequences of my attachments, even obsessions. Now, I look back at the time when it all started. I can laugh at the cheesy words I spoke and I look away grinning at my embarassing demeanor and awkward advances. Oh the drama! Anyway, this year taught me that change is good, getting hung up on the past is unhealthy, and giving up before you try is a real turn-off.
2. Another good and bad one, my realization that school is nearly over, and life is forcing me to begin my own. I am deeply saddened that this is my last year, my senior year- unless I do a crap-job in the last semester of my studies. Like a slap in the face, I'm being told life moves and so must I. Hopefully this new year will provide with a map and possibly a direction.
3. I'm no good with kids. On the surface this is highly negative of me to even consider this a good thing, but allow me to elaborate. You see, for me, kids equals marriage and marriage equals meeting, falling in love with and vice versa with "The One". My problem the last few years is that I already figured who "The One" I was destined for was, which, as you should have guessed by now, did not work out in the least. I was so focused on this...dream that I couldn't see all the other prospects staring me right in the face. I see them now, and I figured I passed up at least three now, the other ones could just as well have been mixed signals. Anyway, the thing about not being good with kids made me realize that I'm not ready for kids, or marriage or "The One". I have officially stopped searching and will take my newly shallowed social life one day- or prospect- at a time.
4. Lastly, I've thrown out the whole "good friends are hard to come by" and "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" quotes. Good friends do not have be "good". That's just wishful thining. I like the idea of the exact opposite. Just be a good friend yourself. Good friends are hard to come by mainly because some of us have yet to be a good friend ourselves. The thing about enemies is that I like to think I don't have any enemies, just some people who find my odd social behaviour annoying or- and I mean this in the nicest sense- chicken-shits who would rather avoid me and go around my back than to confront me themselves. Or maybe I should show some intiative or a more welcoming presence.
In the end, 2006 was in no way a high note in my life, but it was a baby step for me in my maturity and my...well mostly just my maturity.
2007 shows promise according to my year-long horoscope I found in the paper (honest to God, I got a five out of five stars in my life altering...scale).
Anyways, the house is empty and I'm off to a supper.
Cheers!
1.1.07
Happy New Year Part I
I've spent the last half hour writing something I never want to write again. It was a look over the last year and the one thing I remember most--which also happens to be the one thing I want to forget. So, I'm doing the latter, more or less. The past is the past, the future's moving forward and so must I. A new year awaits. Tomorrow, I'm going to write down the best of 2006 and what I have to look forward to in 2007.
To be continued...
To be continued...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
