You see, when I get in front of a bunch of people, I get utterly terrified -slight exaggeration. The reason for this fear is my need to know what people think of me. Yes, I am the kind of person whose character is helped shaped by those around me. I seek acceptance from everyone, so much to the point that I become a nervous wreck around those whose opinions of me are unknown.
But there's also a plus side to this. Today, in my Creative Writing class, we discussed whether or not we are compassionate when reading our own writing. Personally, I'm compassionate for my writing when someone else reads it, and I feel totally giddy when they like it. For myself, I usually look at my work with a severely critical eye, but when I read it after someone else reads it and likes it, then I truly appreciate it. Anyway, this theory went into effect this evening during my Writing Club meeting, I handed out to everyone the first two pages of the second draft of my story - which, with any sort of miracle, will become a novel or three. As they read, I watched them. I couldn't help it, but I thought they were all just ripping it apart, especially when I saw their frowning expressions or their confused looks. During that time, my self esteem flatlines. In the span of 30 seconds I go from being a young, confident writing to a squirming ball of nervous twitches and a case of near face melting. During that time, I was a wreck. An eternity later, everyone looked up and our President, Chris, asked the dreaded question: who wants to go first?
Oh God, I thought. This is it. I'm not cut out to be a writer. I don't have what it takes. I'm I complete and utter failure. I should just kill myself and get it over with. I think I have some rope back home.
And then, the first person pipes up. She liked it. I nearly fainted. Then another person, then another. My God, they all seemed to like it. Sure they had some questions and tid bits that could easily be adjusted, but they really liked it and wanted more.
...
Ok, imagine my self esteem shoot up like a dead person waking up at a funeral.
All of a sudden, the energy around me surged through my body and a smile was plastered on my face so big kids could play jump rope with it.
Afterwards, I walked home with Matt and we both realized that we totally vibe off of each other's energy. We walk home and discuss stuff we've written and stuff we plan to write, and we've discovered that these talks rev our creative engines. So, we exchanged emails and plan to meet more during the week to discuss each other's progress.
***
In other news, Augustana Against Aids' Open Mic will now be held on Friday, February 2nd. Please, if you're reading this and are anywhere near Camrose, come to it. If you don't know where to go, leave a message and I'l get back to you. Anyway, I'll be definitely playing then. It will be my debute. I am super terrified for the reasons stated at the beginning of this entry, but I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't risk it and go for it all. Dan, I can't wait for our practice sessions this weekend. We are going to be better than we think since we are our own worst critics.
Man, I am one happy son-of-a-bitch!
Cheers!
No comments:
Post a Comment